Friday, February 18, 2011

Don't Even Tell Me You Tried...

This post was inspired by a friend who wasn't sure how to handle someone close to her claiming they wanted to breastfeed, yet making every possibly faux pas you could to ultimately end up failing. Bottles of formula immediately, pacifiers, not letting baby latch/comfort nurse since there is "no milk" or "because they only nurse for a few minutes so they must not be hungry," etc. And this was all while they were still in the hospital - we're talking IMMEDIATELY turning to all these artificial means of supplementing the baby... all of this happening from a woman who claimed she really wanted to breastfeed. She had support from successful breastfeeders every step of the way, but their advice fell on deaf ears. I haven't personally been in that situation, but I think I might be pretty angry about it.

You tell me you want to breastfeed - super, I'll support and give you all kinds of advice. You tell me you want to formula feed - that's your prerogative and I might not agree, but whatever. If you attempt to breastfeed, but are not supported and given false information at critical times, my heart breaks for you. If you tell me that you want to breastfeed, then do everything you possibly could to sabotage that relationship even though you know better... don't expect my sympathy.

There are certain things about breastfeeding that should probably be considered "the basics" in my opinion. Stuff like, your milk won't come in for a few days after birth and that the baby can happily live off of colostrum during that time - after all, their stomach is the size of a chickpea and colostrum is very filling! If you decide to give your baby a bottle of formula thinking that you are doing them a favor because they aren't getting anything from your boobs... you're just straight up wrong. There is no dancing around it. If colostrum is there... they are getting more than enough to eat. Not to mention, unless that baby is nursing or you are pumping consistently... your milk ain't coming in. There is no point in bottle/formula feeding in the interim while waiting for your milk to come in... because without your baby nursing... that day is not going to come. It is a supply/demand situation. Unless your baby is sucking or you are pumping and creating a demand... there will be no supply.

The hardest part about the scenario for my friend is just knowing that eventually the new mom is going to make a comment about "not being able to breastfeed" or that "my milk never came in". What would you say? You know she did everything classically incorrect and led to the failure, and you knew she had the right information and support. So what went wrong? Was she so afraid of ACTUALLY NOT being able to breastfeed that she chose failure? Why would someone do this? It almost blinds me with upset that someone who most likely could successfully breastfeed would choose to sabotage themselves and end up having to turn artificial means of feeding their baby. They KNEW the right things to do... and choose to become a statistic. It is upsetting beyond words. The ripple effect is endless when a mother "fails" at breastfeeding. So, don't lie and say you tried to breastfeed. Your fib is going to effect the thoughts of other future mothers around you and lead them to believe that breastfeeding is just too hard. Breastfeeding has enough obstacles of myths floating around without that kind of thing. Do the rest of us a favor, and just fess up - you chose to formula feed. Whatever your reasons, it was your choice.



44 comments:

  1. I logged onto my actual computer just to comment on this. I'm 4 months into my first breasfeeding venture. I have said all along that I believe most women decide how they're going to feed their child long before they deliver. They may out on the act that they're going to "try"to bf, but deep inside they know they're not really interested. I have more respect for women who say, "I don't want to breastfeed."

    Recently I made a comment on Facebook that a friend found offensive. She sent me a PM that started with, "You know I love you, and this is why I'm sending you this privately..." I was touched and nearly cried. It gave me the opportunity to address the situation without feeling like I had to get defensive. I would consider sending this person an email or a letter and let her know how you feel. Assuming you're okay if she gets angry and ultimately breaks off the friendship. I have yet to find an issue that gets to people as much as the bf/ff debate. But I agree, this person has the power to effect MANY women with her story, and I think it would benefit the bf world if the errors were brought to light before she starts spewing a false experience. Good luck!

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  2. I hear all the time "I couldn't breastfeed".. it drives me insane.. YES YOU COULD... I try so hard to educate.. not because they may have a future child (ok, if they do fine the info may help there) but because I want the whole "I couldn't so you might not be able to" to END... YES YOU COULD.. *if*.. you hadn't fallen for booby traps, IF people would have supported you, IF you knew where to go for help, IF you put some effort into it, IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF IF GAH!! It drives me insane.. Certainly ALL the "ifs" don't apply to each mother but unless she has insufficient glandular tissue she sure COULD have bf!It isn't that she "couldn't"... Some things are not necessarily moms fault, I get that.. Right from birth the hospital is hot and heavy on sabotage.. but knowing the difference and getting actual help if having issues is IMPORTANT!! You sure COULD have breastfed..

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  3. I love it!!! You took the words right out of my mouth! I'm so sick of hearing woman whining about how they "tried to breastfeed and just couldn't" and then go on to say thay did the very things your talking about, So thank you for this :)

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  4. As one of those people in the frontlines (aka RN working on the postpartum unit), I find your post to be so helpful. I have a hard time finding something nice to say when I hear people telling me about how much they want to breastfeed because they just "couldn't" when they tried last time. It's an ongoing struggle because there are so many messages out there that are just plain WRONG.

    At my hospital we are trying to be very pro-active in helping moms have a good start with breastfeeding, but the problem is that the education has to start long before they arrive to have their baby. I tell my patients that if they really want to breastfeed their baby, that they can. But when they start doubting their abilities, that's when the downfall starts.

    I could go on and on, but I won't because it's speaking to the choir. Just wanted to say thanks for your post.

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  5. Thank you! This was expressed much more eloquently than I could ever come up with. I hate people asking me for help and advice - I tell them ways to gr around roadblocks, and pass hurdles, and then by the end of the conversation its "I'm just going to formula free
    - its too much work to pump/ feed on demand/ wear breast pads/ take my baby everywhere with me even though I'm a SAHM." They're really not looking for help, but hoping for an out. Don't waste my time please!

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  6. well said! It saddens me when moms say that they really want to breastfeed...... but then does everything to make that not happen. Glad I am no alone!

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  7. Great post.
    I agree witht he aboce poster in that:

    The minute I hear "I want to try..." I know it won't happen. With my first, I said I'd "try" to have a natural childbirth. I got an epidural within an hour of my first contraction!
    With #2, I set my mind to it and decided to go to a birth center so that drugs were not an option--if they were, I would have taken them again--and I am so glad I didn't.
    Same for breastfeeding-- you either decide to do it against all odds (bleeding, crying, not sleeping, thrush, whatever), or not. "Try" doesn't work for these hard goals.

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  8. Oh--- I also think more moms needs to talk about it if they HATE doing it but do it anyway. I exclusively BF daughter #1 13 mos and daughter #2 is 10 mos and we're still going. But I hate it. Sorry--I just am not one of those "I love that time so much" moms. I am a J cup and it's uncomfortable. But I do it because it's what's best--and FREE! I wrote a blog post about it.
    Other mosm need to know BF moms don't all love it--it's not about liking it or not liking it.

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    1. Emily ~ I don't *hate* nursing, but let me tell you, I don't seem to just LOVE it like everyone else claims to, either. I just got finished in my nursing career after four and 3/4 years of straight nursing (two kids, some time was tandem). People ask me if I'm sad. Right now, the answer is NO! I am NOT sad that we are done nursing. I'd like my boobs back. I might be sad about it in a few years in that wistful kind of way, but for now I'm just glad to be done! My littlest daughter had a strong latch, and toward the end it was hurting a LOT. I feel ya'. I think there are more of us out there than actually let on!

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    2. I agree with both of you. There are things I LOVED about nursing (primarily the boobie coma face of pure elation that my son would get ONLY from boobie.), but for the most part, ESPECIALLY towards the end, I was just completely over it. I didn't "hate"... it's a strong word... but I sure didn't LIKE it. And occasionally I would get sad about not being able to 'nurse him happy' when he got an owie or something, but 99% of the time I LOVE having my boobies back.... and now in about a month, I'll be on to round 2. woop!

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  9. Thanks for all the compliments! :) I have been fuming about the situation for a week and knew I just had to say something. Ugh!

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  10. I read this and think yeah, she could have done way better...
    then when people post that she didn't really try, or if you do try, you'll succeed and think "why didn't i? what happened to me? i tried for 2 months. I would sit in a bed with my baby girl for HOURS and not have any luck. It was th emost depressing months of my whole life. I was only 15, it was summer, I had no life. After trying to bf for those months, I figured I would try to pump and see if that helped... again, no luck. I would pump for hours and only get an ounce.
    was I doing something wrong? did I 'give up too soon?'
    I know there is something I could have changed, and that was when I was in the hopistal I saw a consultant who got me a sheild and this was still not working. I couldn't do anything to comfort my hungry baby and I let them give her a tiny bit of formula. They sent the bottles home and after hours of struggling with her sreaming in my arms, and tears running down my face, I would give in and give her a bottle.... should I have not done this?? Was I wrong? should i have continued to try?
    I don't know.....

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    1. you have to feed a hungry baby. you needed help from a IBLC, not the hospital nurses. Without medical reason, shields make things worse, not better. Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes women don't have enough support. I think you fall somewhere within those two. Doesn't sound like you said, "I want to bf..." and then just, for no good reason, refused the breast for the bottle at the hospital. Hugs, mama. I didn't make my bfing goals my first 3 times (1 yr), but I did on my fourth. If there is a next time, see LLL while you are preg as well as having a LC help you get things going. I bet you will succeed.

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  11. I'll try posting this again because it didn't seem to work, hopefully it won't double post.
    Doesn't anyone have anything to say to Carmen? I do.
    Carmen, don't feel guilty. You did your best at the time. Breast feeding is not always easy, and the bottom line is, babies need to be fed. No question, breast milk is best. But sometimes moms don't have much choice.

    If you're going to have more kids in the future, know that there are lots of resources out there for you. Check online, google is your friend. Ask your doctor, (or any health professional) about what help is available in your area.
    Here is the website for the La Leche League:
    http://www.llli.org/
    Also, here is the website for Eats on Feets:
    http://www.eatsonfeets.org/

    Take care,
    Karen

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  12. Your ignorance is disappointing. Do you think they had wetnurses back in the old days just to sit around and look pretty? No, it was because some women had/have a HARD TIME breastfeeding, and not all of us have the resources available such as specialists, herbs, etc. to spend 99.5% of all our time trying to make it work. Thank goodness that formula is a viable option today for those of us who do not have the resources or luxury of devoting the emotional and physical energy that it takes to achieve the EBF mother status. I breastfed for several months. It was difficult and I often felt like a failure, but I stuck with it as best I could. I stopped after 4, and I am proud that I lasted as long as I did.

    Your opinion is just that -- YOURs. And here is mine: at the end of the day, you ARE NOT a better mother than anyone who "tried", who "tried & failed", or who "never tried".

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    1. if youre that concerned about your babys wellbeing (which i assume you would be after hours of trying to nurse)then id suggest giving your baby DONATED BREASTMILK FROM HUMAN MILK 4 HUMAN BABIES on fb. it is free and it will be MUCH better than that shit they call food in the enfamil/good start/etc tubs on the shelf. and if youre opposed to that then making your own formula instead of feeding them the sugar/BPA laden crap on the shelves. just a bit of info to help those who cant breastfeed.

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    2. This post was not about women who TRY and fail, but about women who say they want to, but do not try, pretending they are trying, and then tell others how hard bfing is. Most women who "tried" bfing, didn't. But some did, with all their heart, and this post is NOT about them. However, when you have a whole lot of women sharing with a preg mom that they tried and failed, it creates this idea and sets up the expectation that bfing will fail...that odds are against it. Odds are in favor of it. Less than 3 percent of women cannot physcially bf. Now, support culturally is another issue.

      Unless I know the circumstances intimately, I assume a person who said they tried did indeed try-benefit of the doubt. But let me give you an example. I had a friend say recently, "I wish my babies would have let me breastfeed." However, when we were in the NICU together, she actually mocked bfing and my efforts to help another mom who wanted to bf and proudly stated she chose to bottle feed, that bfing wasn't for her. Now, she's turning around implying she tried and they wouldn't nurse. I never looked down on her bottle feeding, but now I'm a tad irritated at her. What will happen when she shares her "failures" with other women? Will they think nursing is too hard?

      Nurse full-term, nurse for a while, try to nurse and find out you are the rare case that cannot...I support you and honor what you have done for your child. Formula feed and I can only hope you made an educated choice, fully aware of the increased risks for you and baby. Fail for lack of education and support and I am mad for you and with you. This society does not support moms and bfing. Heck, I'm gonna be mad for you if your body couldn't. This is 2012. Why has medicine no remedy for you when they can cure erectile dysfunction? Is that more important to us than the health of women and children?

      BTW, wet nurses were usually for rich ppl who saw bfing your own child as tying yourself down to what was obviously the domain of domestic life (in other words, "those ppl"). At least, wet nurses in the day when they were common. In Africa, babies die for lack of a wet nurse because in traditional cultures there aren't a whole lot of women making milk without their own babies to feed. The poor used goats and nursed from the teat when mom died or was too ill to make milk.

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  13. Not sure why my post was deleted, but I'll try again:

    Doesn't anyone have anything to say to Carmen? I do.
    Carmen, don't feel guilty. You did your best at the time. Breast feeding is not always easy, and the bottom line is, babies need to be fed. No question, breast milk is best. But sometimes moms don't have much choice.

    If you're going to have more kids in the future, know that there are lots of breast feeding resources out there for you. Check online, google is your friend. Ask your doctor, (or any health professional) about what help is available in your area.
    Here is the website for the La Leche League:
    http://www.llli.org/
    Also, here is the website for Eats on Feets:
    http://www.eatsonfeets.org/

    Take care,
    Karen

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  14. Wow, thanks for deleting my post 3 times now. Maybe you just don't accept anonymous posts? Whatever the case, if anyone is interested in my response to Carmen's comment, you can find it here:

    http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/WomanUncensoredPage

    (Obviously, that Facebook pages does not belong to me, however I can comment there freely.)

    If you scroll down, you will find that someone posted a link to this blog post, and there you will find my comment. If anyone cares.

    Also, here are a couple of helpful links for breast feeding moms:

    Website for the La Leche League:
    http://www.llli.org/
    Website for Eats on Feets:
    http://www.eatsonfeets.org/

    Karen

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  15. I think you missed the point of the blog Anna - it's not about the small handful of women who actually can not breastfeeding. For them wetnurses, formula, and whatever else are things we are truly thankful to have available. This is about women who claim they want to and then do everything wrong - pretty much on purpose - and therefore fail.

    Anonymous - I did not delete your posts - must have been a glitch.

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  16. Carmen - I know you are expecting another baby very soon and I think you are going to find yourself in a much better place this time around. For 1 - you are older and have some experience already, married and in a healthy relationship, and you actually want to BF this time around - whereas last time it was forced upon you by your family. You have the additional support of Mama Christa and many other friends. This time will most likely go much more smoothly for you! :) ::HUGS::

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  17. wet nurses were most commonly for the women who were "too important" to take the time to breastfeed, or when the mother died during childbirth.

    if breastfeeding was anywhere NEAR as difficult as implied today, the relatively small number of women who were wet nurses would not have been able to take up the slack. honestly, think about it... yes, there are issues that arise, but if it was SO common, would the human race been so successful a species? how many other mammals do you hear of regularly being unable to nurse their young?

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  18. Thanks Mother Hen. I am very confident that I will be successful this time! I have so much support and a lot more knowledge and I just really really want to be able to do it. I'm excited to try again... 4 weeks to go (if I can make it!)

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  19. I've decided to quote the wisdom of a wise powerful jedi when it comes to breastfeeding "Do or Do Not. There is no "try" If you allow yourself the option to fail you've set yourself up to fail. If you're committed to do it you will and you'll work hard to achieve it and then if you're in that TINY percentage of women who truly can't breastfeed you'll know you did absolutely everything possible to succeed.

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  20. Thank you, Mother Hen, for clearing that up. I understand that blogspot does have a way of eating comments sometimes. Thanks for having such a great blog that offers information and support about breast feeding, you're doing a great job. :-)

    Karen

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  21. No problem Karen! I have no idea what blogger was doing - and obviously you and others can post annonymously as you have been able to comment the last few times. Here is Karen's comment from the Woman Uncensored page;
    Doesn't anyone have anything to say to Carmen? I do.
    Carmen, don't feel guilty. You did your best at the time. Breast feeding is not always easy, and the bottom line is, babies need to be fed. No question, breast milk is best. But sometimes moms don't have much choice.

    If you're going to have more kids in the future, know that there are lots of breast feeding resources out there for you. Check online, google is your friend. Ask your doctor, (or any health professional) about what help is available in your area.
    Here is the website for the La Leche League:
    http://www.llli.org/
    Also, here is the website for Eats on Feets:
    http://www.eatsonfeets.org/

    Take care,
    Karen

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  22. i get so mad when i hear this too - i know SOME of these women really tried but it's impossible that the majority "couldn't breastfeed". in all fairness, many of them were uneducated about it and really believed they can't, but that's not an excuse - the information is out there. and LC's are FREE in my country, yet many women give up without ever contacting them!

    and btw i think the author is wrong about milk never coming in. as far as i know that initially the milk comes in regardless of breast stimulation - it's triggered by giving birth in itself. women who never intended to BF and never let baby latch on also have milk and have to dry up. AFTER the milk initially comes in is where the supply and demand relationship starts. (i read this on kellymom.com),

    but otherwise, great post!

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  23. The ripple effect is also endless when you judge a mother for not breastfeeding. You judge the ones who didn't even try, or the ones who "tried" but didn't try correctly. Then the ones who are getting bad advice (and having problems as a result) or who are getting and following good advice but still having problems read that and think "I'm not trying hard enough." They're afraid to go to LLL meetings or talk to their friends for fear they'll be judged for not trying hard enough. And when they quit, they're afraid to talk to anybody about the trouble they had for fear of turning other women off of breastfeeding.

    So, when a woman has problems that are only glossed over in the books (in my case, severely inverted nipples with very strong, very fibrous adhesions coupled with a son with a very shallow latch -- but not technically tongue-tied; in a friend's case, trying to breastfeed and pump for twins when only one of them would latch), where are they supposed to get support and information if other women with the same problems have been too afraid to talk about them?

    You can't do anything to stop that woman from saying that she "wasn't able" to breastfeed or that "her milk never came in" or whatever else she says. But you can help other women, in a supportive and nonjudgmental way, by sharing accurate information about breastfeeding.

    When someone says to you, "Well, I want to breastfeed, but I don't know if it will work. My sister and one of my friends tried, but their milk never came in," don't judge the sister and the friend. Don't say that they probably weren't doing it right. Don't say that it's not possible (because just your luck the woman you're talking to will have a hormonal condition that actually prevents her from producing mature milk). Just explain that at first her breasts will produce colostrum, which there's not much of, but it's pretty powerful stuff (list benefits here) and since her baby is just learning to coordinate sucking and swallowing and her baby's stomach is the size of a marble, that's really all the baby will need those first few days. Explain the supply and demand process and tell her what to watch for (wet diapers, signs of engorgement). Tell her to call you even in the middle of the night if she has questions or is unsure of herself. Give her the number of a good LC or LLL leader. Better yet, take her to a LLL meeting and introduce her around.

    But be aware that there are moms out there reading your blog whose breastfeeding experience will be negatively affected by your judgmental tone.

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    1. I didn't find the tone judgmental. I heard this : Breast feed, or don't breast feed, but be true to your intentions. If you do not want to breast feed, don't pretend that you tried and failed. Just say "it wasn't for me."

      I guess I would only add to this post that "casual conversations are not the place to throw out this argument because you do not know what really went down. This is about ppl you know intimately, and care about, doing harm to a cause you are passionate about. This is not about the poster on the blog or the lady at the supermarket. To judge if she tried or not would be harmful to the cause." That's how I would deal with the potential damage of such a post.

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  24. When so many woman run around talking about how hard they tried to BF & they just couldn't. Their milk never came in. They never had enough supply and on and on. They aren't doing a disservice to other BFing woman, they are doing a disservice to the small percentage of woman who really Do have those problems. Leaving the rest of us to question, ok, did this woman really have a physical problem or was it something else.

    I hate that. It would be so nice, when someone says "I tried so hard to BF, I really really wanted to & I just don't have the supply!" to be able to say in return. "Oh honey I"m so sorry. If you've already tried everything, can I offer you some of my freezer stash?" And know that they weren't really deep down secretly wanting to use formula all along.

    Worse yet. The poor girls who have never breastfed, hearing nothing but one "failure" story after another & go into the whole thing convinced that it is a rare woman with magical breasts who can actually breastfeed.

    There are woman who have real physical or medical issues which interfere in breastfeeding. There are woman who's babies are born tongue tied & have trouble latching on.

    For everyone else, it is more often than not a question of latching baby on at every opportunity & not offering bottles in the beginning.

    So yes. When a woman complains that "she wanted to breastfeed but couldn't" and she gave her baby a bottle the first day. And then second day. And didn't want to let baby nurse more than a few minutes. Or put baby back to breast too soon under some theory of spoiling them. Yeah, it gets hard to not get frustrated irritated listening to her "breastfeeding was impossible for me" whining.

    I am perfectly ok with a woman who chooses to feed her child formula from a bottle. Who am I to judge what is right for her family? But don't make things up to satisfy some obligatory martyrdom moment.

    Why not just say, "you know, I thought about breastfeeding, but in the end, decided formula would be easier for us".

    Or, "I wanted to breastfed but I wasn't sure what to do & he got used to bottles so we never quite made breastfeeding work."

    Its like claiming your hand is broken because you never learned how to write.

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  25. There was a rather long comment from a Heather that went to my email but does not appear here. Not sure if she decided to delete it or if there was a glitch in the system... but since she put so much effort into it I will post it anonymously for her:
    "When so many woman run around talking about how hard they tried to BF & they just couldn't. Their milk never came in. They never had enough supply and on and on. They aren't doing a disservice to other BFing woman, they are doing a disservice to the small percentage of woman who really Do have those problems. Leaving the rest of us to question, ok, did this woman really have a physical problem or was it something else.

    I hate that. It would be so nice, when someone says "I tried so hard to BF, I really really wanted to & I just don't have the supply!" to be able to say in return. "Oh honey I"m so sorry. If you've already tried everything, can I offer you some of my freezer stash?" And know that they weren't really deep down secretly wanting to use formula all along.

    Worse yet. The poor girls who have never breastfed, hearing nothing but one "failure" story after another & go into the whole thing convinced that it is a rare woman with magical breasts who can actually breastfeed.

    There are woman who have real physical or medical issues which interfere in breastfeeding. There are woman who's babies are born tongue tied & have trouble latching on.

    For everyone else, it is more often than not a question of latching baby on at every opportunity & not offering bottles in the beginning.

    So yes. When a woman complains that "she wanted to breastfeed but couldn't" and she gave her baby a bottle the first day. And then second day. And didn't want to let baby nurse more than a few minutes. Or put baby back to breast too soon under some theory of spoiling them. Yeah, it gets hard to not get frustrated irritated listening to her "breastfeeding was impossible for me" whining.

    I am perfectly ok with a woman who chooses to feed her child formula from a bottle. Who am I to judge what is right for her family? But don't make things up to satisfy some obligatory martyrdom moment.

    Why not just say, "you know, I thought about breastfeeding, but in the end, decided formula would be easier for us".

    Or, "I wanted to breastfed but I wasn't sure what to do & he got used to bottles so we never quite made breastfeeding work."

    Its like claiming your hand is broken because you never learned how to write. "

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  26. The Terrycloth Mommy - I'd have to say that our blog of currently 138 posts is an extremely positive and informational resource for breastfeeding mothers. This 1 post was simply a vent regarding a personal situation, which I'm sure happens to more than just my friend. A woman -- who proclaims to everyone she wants to breastfeed and then is giving her newborn a bottle of formula within hours of his birth without having any latch issues or asking for an LC's help and who is disregarding the advice of the successful breastfeeding women around her when they started to question why she was doing formula mysteriously -- This woman is NOT a woman who attempted to breastfeed in my opinion. So yeah, it's a blog, and blogs are all about opinions and providing information. I am judging this one particular mom and anyone else who acts exactly like her. Yes, there are moms who truly cannot breastfeeding and there are ones who struggle but ultimately succeed. But I stand by my words that this woman's actions will damage future breastfeeding woman around her by her lie that she tried. Because she didn't.

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  27. As a Lactation Consultant and LLL leader I run across this a lot. It is very draining to hear legitimate failure stories, and then the flippant "I tried everything" tales. I take a deep breath and remind myself that 1 in 4 women have been sexually assaulted in their lives, then I think about how that assault might affect their ability to use their breasts in a nurturing way. So I give women a lot of grace when I hear or see them try and fail in this way. Maybe her breasts are "broken" because she's been violated? (In a very psychological way IYKWIM ) It's still hard to think about what happens when her story gets repeated...
    Thanks for writing about this.

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  28. I must comment. I a huge supporter of breast-feeding. I breast feed my first and second sons for 15 months each. Not a drop of formula touched their lips. I was so proud. I'm now nursing my 4 month old daughter. She has been having serve stomach issues, bowl issues and discomfort. She is also gaining weight slowly. She had a scope and colonoscopy this week to find that she is allergic to a milk protein. The thing is I've been on a complete elimination diet for 9 weeks and she is still inflamed and has bumps and curves in her colon that should not be there. My body is giving her a milk protein that she cannot tolerate. I was told yesterday the only way to help her GI track is to stop nursing her. I'm devastated. So in response I cannot nurse my daughter and it breaks my heart. Be careful how you judge someone when they can't breast fed because they actually may be doing what is best for their child.

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    1. gah. you have to love it. if you investigate more, my guess is that she needs high quality probiotics to heal her gut, and you should be on the GAPS diet.when we birth babies with a damaged gut ourselves (from processed foods, taking antibiotics in the past, etc) and/or birth our babies by csection then we pass on the bad bacteria to baby. we pass on the "leaky gut" to baby. we pass on the inability to properly digest and the high incidence of allergies,autoimmune issues etc.and we pass on the minimal amount of good bacteria (flora) to baby gut when it should be a plethra of good flora in there and THAT leads to problems.---from all of my research about the gut and the absolute insane ignorance of some doctors, i just can not fathom blindly following a dr who told me to stop nursing. breastmilk is healing,leaves a protecttive barrier to the gut wall, etc. formula promotes E.coli,candida,open cell wall in gut,asthma,autoimmune,ezcema...the list goes on. so while i believe there was an issue, i must put my two cents in and say that there should be more investigation instead of blindly trusting. im not buying into that milk protien hoo-hah.allergy to mothers milk is so rare its almost unheard of(its called methylmalonic acidaemia or MMA and both parents have to be carriers to have the VERY REMOTE chance of even passing it on tobaby.) no offense to you but more towards the doc --i suggest researching functional medicine doctor (mix between homeopathy and western med) or a chiropractor or at least get multiple opinions.

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    2. Honey, this post was not about women like you. Read it again, without the sadness and anger you have about being told you have to stop bfing before you were ready. This is about women who make a mockery out of the effort you have made to feed your child by saying they tried to bfing, when they didn't. Making it hard for other moms to hear you say, I really wanted to bfing, and having us throw our hearts into comforting you, because we have no way of knowing if you are the type from the post, or someone who has been through all the issues you have had to endure. These moms are robbing you of support as well as women who are preg and considering bfing.

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  29. I am very sorry for your situation and that would be heart breaking, but I must say... this post had nothing to do with judging a mother who was in your type of situation. That is not something we do here. This post is judging a mother who SAYS she wants to... and then doing everything text book wrong to sabotage breastfeeding. I feel the need to judge that because she didn't actually try to breastfeed. She tried to fail really.

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    1. She is being judged because she said she wanted to breastfeed, was given wonderful support from day one, and ignored it all. She is damaging to society now as she will go around saying she "failed at breastfeeding" which will affect future mothers in her circle - when really she did not try to breastfeed at all. Her actions and not owning up to the truth are very damaging.

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    2. bc perhaps by judging we will help stop the damage to these innocent babies and their guts and their future. formula is known to have TONS of sugar not listed,the tub is lined in BPA. and it is known to promote obesity,autoimmune issues such as asthma and ezcema,promotes the growth of E.COLI and candida (yeast)....the list goes on. so why judge? bc children are being "punished" for their lazy ass mom who didnt try or who only gave it a half ass attempt. when you have a child you are their protector, their advocate. giving up and just giving them garbage to damage their gut wall and introduce other negative effects on their body is all of our business bc we pay for it in the long run with health insurance.there are other options out there like donated FREE breastmilk from human milk 4 human babies on fb and milk share on fb and eats on feets on fb..... so while "mother hen" may not want to be as blatant and raw with the truth, i can and will be bc that is my nature. i call it like i see it. we need to stop sugar coating, we need to defend the defenseless if even against their own parents, we need to change our society and stop giving formula to uneducated mothers in the hospitals and instead give them brochures on where to turn for help with breastfeeding. brochures on where to get donated breastmilk, etc....bottom line: if youre gonna be a mom then be the best mom you can. otherwise buy a dog.

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    3. 1-she lied
      2-she wasted pplz time and energy
      3-she manipulated pplz emotions (have you ever tried to help someone through a problem they didn't really want help through, tho they said they did. that's an emotional roller coaster that robs your own family of a 100 percent mom for what?)
      4-she mocks all those who have to work their @sses off to bf
      5-she mocks all those who tried with everything they had in them and couldn't bf
      6-she mocks those who wanted to bf desperately but did not have the support
      7-she mocks those that wanted to bf desperately but were given inaccurate information and poor advice.
      8-she mocks all those who wanted to bf but were shamed into not bfing
      9-she hurts the cause of bfing when she makes it seem more difficult than it is
      10-her story puts other baby's right to breast milk at risk if she shares it.

      A mom who is truthful cannot do such harm, if she term-bfs, bfs some, tries and cannot, tries and changes her mind, or chooses to ff. It is the deception that makes this mom's choices dangerous and offensive. She may be a good mom besides, but on this issue, she is wrong and harming others.

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  31. Thanks for this post. This irritates me as much as the lack of support, the lack of education, and the lack of prioritization we have for bfing in this nation. Be honest. Some zealot will always disprove of some parenting choice you make and we will never please everyone. Learn to stand by your decisions...and be honest about them.

    I love bfing with a passion, I believe it is every child's birthwright, but in the end, it is just one decision in the lifetime of parenting decisions you will make. It does not define you.

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